Friday, 27 March 2020

The INFJ Mask

I am INFJ.
I purposely set out to hide who I am. So when you think you have me figured out, think again. I find comfort through complexity. The mask I wear is a shield that prevents others draining my life energy. When taken off, in personal interaction, life energy drains away orders of magnitude greater than when it is in place. I much prefer to live life behind my mask because I simply don’t have the energy reserves to sustain life otherwise. A simple one on one discussion without my mask often requires x³ isolated rest or isolated hobby time to recover. People drain my life force, yet I crave connection & being understood. I crave being listened to. My life force is much better tuned to online connections than face to face. I can be emotionally, physically & spiritually exhausted but still maintain meaningful online connections while being physically isolated. The only time I cannot function online is when I’m mentally exhausted. It’s then that my head weighs heavy like stone whenever I contemplate turning on my laptop or picking up my phone. It is then I must truly disconnect from all human contact. That’s how life is for me.
I am INFJ.

Friday, 20 March 2020

My Inner World

I'm in a silent place, in my bed, laying on my side to minimise the pain. My eyes close and I feel my consciousness is like I'm wearing this body, like a hand in a glove. My face feels like I'm wearing a mask. A mask that doesn't portray my inner feelings. Even though there is full contact with my consciousness, I've developed a barrier to protect myself from the judging looks of others. I do not dare show my emotions to those around me, except my closest circle of trysted souls, the greatest of which is my loving Wife. She alone can see through my mask, to my consciousness laying underneath. Every look, every word, impacts my soul. Although I try to protect myself, I'm at the mercy of everyone around me. Over time, I've developed a cold and uncaring attitude, toward all but my Wife & step son.

Closing my eyes, relaxing all muscles, I feel my consciousness detaching from the mask I call my face. Sinking lower & smaller into my earthly body, looking up towards my eyes, I see openings in the darkness as light penetrates my eyelids. They start disappearing as I slowly sink & shrink into a dark and cold cavern.

My eyes become two tiny points of lights in the roof of the cavern, like two stars shimmering in the black night sky. My feet touch the uneven & rocky floor of the cavern. I open my eyes as I struggle to see through the dark while sudden flashes of white, purple & green lightning arc from one side of the cavern to the other, from the ceiling to the ground, from the ground to the ceiling. From these flashes, I can see the extent of this cavern within my psyche. The walls are covered with patterns, shapes & words. Some glow brightly while others are as black as the rocky ground beneath me.

Thundering sounds deafen me after each flash. I'm cold & overwhelmed by this place. Between the thunder claps, I can sometimes make out sounds from the outside world. Sounds of my wife laughing at something on TV, sounds of my Wife talking to our pets; Gemma, an elderly toy poodle and Timmy, our beautiful but sometimes disobedient cat. These sounds are distorted & hard to make out. Hearing the laughter from my wife sends warm comfort within this dark world.

Shielding my eyes from each bright arc, I can make out a small log cabin at the far end of this cavern. Making my way towards this inviting cabin, I realise the markings on the walls are my memories. The ones glowing bright are fresh in my mind while the others are ones I'd rather forget. The lightning flashing with purple, represents the constant pain I'm in. Centered from my unstable coccyx, my lower back and the pinched nerves in my neck, it flashes in all directions. Although I'm now within my psyche, I feel the pain with every flash.

Looking around I can see stalactites & stalagmites. Some of the stalagmites reach high above the others. With a thick base of calcite, layers upon layers, reaching high, I realise these are my plans and dreams. Some have connected with stalactites forming large columns. I recognise these as my successful accomplishments. The water that trickles from the ceiling creating the stalactites are the tears I've never cried.

Making my way towards the light from the cabin I feel coal & kerosene shale crunching beneath my feet. This log cabin is small. Walking my way around to the side facing the cavern wall, I find a solid door that is never locked. Opening the door, I feel warmth from the coal fired stove in the middle of the kitchenette to my right. To my left, I see a comfortable bed that is well used. It is made with tight sheets & blankets over a frame of roughly hewed timber. Beside the bed is a kerosene burning lamp that illuminates this cabin. The thundering and lightning is greatly attenuated by the cabin walls, making this place comfortable and welcoming.

On the bedside table I can see a book that's swollen & well used. Flicking through this book I can see sketches of my hopes & desires. One page at the back of the book shows a map of this cavern. There are many tunnels branching off leading to my subconscious. It notes, many years ago, I had blocked off these tunnels because the white lightning was coming predominantly form them. At the time, I didn't realise the importance of this. This white lightning is my subconscious giving ideas, patterns and the innermost feelings of those around me. Not understanding this was the reason I had blocked them off. A few months ago, after learning about the importance of listening to my subconscious, I had started digging out the tunnel entrances, allowing the white lightning to once again fill the cavern.

The green lightning that flashes all around connects memories along the walls with my conscious mind. Bring all into clear focus. New memories are written along the walls of this dark & thundering cavern.

I lay on the bed, flicking through the book containing my hopes & desires before drifting off into a deep sleep. When I open my eyes, I’m back in the world of the real. I’ve left the comfort of my cabin bed & now I’m exposed to the eyes of others.

Train Dream

I was standing at a train station waiting for one to arrive. I was at a TAFE / College. I had parked my car at the far end of the college & couldn't walk there. College was over for the day & I wanted to go home.

The trains at College were tiny, like oversized model trains that you could ride on.

One pulled into the station. The engine was only big enough for the engineer to sit on. It had a pale blue padded seat without backrest. The engine resembled a train version of a tiny tractor or large ride on lawn mower. It had four flatbed carriages coupled to it. Each carriage was long enough for two people to sit one behind the other. All carriages had pale blue padded seats matching the engine.

I climbed onto the first carriage behind the engine and greeted the engineer. I sat on the padded seat like that of a motorbike. Each carriage had foot boards running the length of the carriage, just like you'd find as an optional accessory to 4WD vehicles or SUV's. They reminded me of the skids from a helicopter and were made from the same steel as the carriage.

The engineer asked where I was going, so I told him the far car park. Looking ahead of the engine to the tracks, I marveled at how skinny they were. Each track was the width of my shoe and the distance between the tracks were about one and a half lengths of my shoe. I wear size 12-13 depending upon the country of manufacture.

I was embarrassed when the engineer asked for the fare as I hadn't any money. He said he'd run out of smokes so I gave him four. The strange thing is that I didn't smoke but for some reason I always carried a pack with me. He was happy with that and we started pulling away from the station. I looked around & I was the only one on board.

The scene changed & we were slowly making our way up a steep hill. The tracks were embedded in the road, sort of like tram tracks but towards the outer edge of the road and marked with silver reflective paint, warning vehicles of its presence. This road was a major highway that climbed its way up this hill. On both sides were rock cuttings with half round drill holes every meter, indicating this road was made by blasting through the hillside to reduce its incline. There was only room for two lanes. One going up & the other coming down. The road edges met with the steep rock walls which easily extended 15 meters above us. I remember thinking that this was tight for a highway and resembled canyons I'd abseiled down in my youth except there was no rushing water.

As we snaked our way up this hill, we rounded a tight left hand corner. The engineer said we were making good speed, about twice that of a brisk walk. Once we were around a hundred or so meters past the tight corner, a truck came thundering along behind us, doing the highway speed of 100km/h.

The driver spotted us and screeched to a halt just inches from the last carriage. Unfortunately the cars traveling along behind the truck were not as lucky. The first car smashed into the back of the truck, which nudged us forward & off the tracks. Each car behind the first smashed into it and each other, just like a head to tail pile up on the freeway I'd seen in the news.

Four cars and the truck were now interlocked together by twisted metal & plastic. We had now stopped being derailed by the truck. Smoke & steam was rising from the engine compartments of each car. Then everyone got out to assess damages.

The truck driver was speaking with my train engineer & complaining that no silver paint showed presence of the tracks on the road. By this time, I had climbed part way up the rock embankment to see the whole scene.

From what I could see, the road had been recently resealed & silver paint warning of train tracks on the edge of the road had been covered up. I wondered how I could get back to my car & head home. The fact I appeared to be a long way from College never crossed my mind.

This was the end of the dream as I awoke.